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Broccoli

Oh so we got a new kitty too. His name is Broccoli and here are some pictures. He's an American Curl which accounts for his strange ears. He's also beautiful and crazy.

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Better late than never!

I've taken much from this community and given little back.  Time to start righting some wrongs.

FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH!

My Best of 2008: Pop Lie Disc One

1. Okkervil River's Pop Lie
2. Islands' The Arm
3. Plants and Animals' Feedback in the Field
4. The Stills' Rooibos/ Palm Wine Drinkard
5. Sebastian Granger's Who Do We Care For?
6. Broken Social Scene Presents: Brendan Canning's Churches Under the Stairs
7. Apollo Sunshine's 666: The Coming of the New World Government
8. Tokyo Police Club's Your English is Good
9. Cold War Kids' Something is Not Right With Me
10. The Walkmen's In the New Year
11. Fleet Foxes' Ragged Wood
12. The Raconteurs' Carolina Drama
13. The Magnetic Fields' Too Drunk To Dream
14. Fonda 500's Jenny #1
15. Elf Power's Spiral Stairs
16. Foals' Cassius
17. The Animal Collective's Water Curses
18. White Denim's Sitting
19. The Notwist's Boneless
20. Little Joy's The Next Time Around

Disc Two

1. The Ruby Suns' Kenya Dig It?
2. Man Man's Top Drawer
3. The Faint's Machine in the Ghost
4. TV on the Radio's Red Dress
5. Does It Offend You, Yeah?'s With a Heavy Heart (I Regret to Inform You)
6. Black Kids' Partie Traumatic
7. Cut Copy's So Haunted
8. Hot Chip's Out at the Pictures
9. Beck's Walls
10. Tilly and the Wall's Jumbler
11. Mates of State's Help Help
12. The Spinto Band's Needlepoint
13. Wild Sweet Orange's An Atlas to Follow
14. Conor Oberst's I Don't Wanna Die (In the Hospital)
15. Sleepercar's Stumble In
16. James Jackson Toth's Beulah the Good
17. Vampire Weekend's M79
18. Human Highway's The Sound
19. Someone Still Loves You, Boris Yeltsin's Dead Right
20. Rogue Wave's Like I Needed
21. The Mountain Goats' How to Embrace a Swamp Creature
22. The Dodo's Winter

hxxp://mediafire.com/candycaneboy

Dec. 12th, 2008

I'm a little scared  and very uncomfortable by a comment that was posted on my last blog. I've decided to go back to friends only. It was inappropriate and scary. I've logged the IP address and know who has looked at my page in the last year. I mean no harm by the things I've said and have no hard feelings for anyone and only wish to live in peace.

It has been decided

Our future Dachshund's name will be Sir Noodles Longbottom....*giggle*

Aug. 12th, 2008

I don't know what's happening now
 I had a dream we hugged and everything was forgiven.
I don't feel like talking today, which I'm sure I'll talk about soon, but I do have lots of pictures!

So thats about it. The room is a little messy right now. Gah I have to go to work soon. I'm a little stressed. Okay got to get dressed.

Friends only

So I think I'm done with the public journal thing. I like it but you know I started this one to kinda get away from my old life and I really don't want it to follow me. And anyway what good is looking really going to do? I'm just sorry I didn't do it to begin with. I guess there just were some things I didn't want to admit to myself and you know I don't know what going to happen but I just don't want to do this anymore.  I tried to put to rest everything I had to say in the other journal but there is just so much more but it doesn't mean anything because it wouldn't do any good.  For anyone.  I have a million mean things to say but no one needs to hear them so the journal is now friends only. 
 
Oh but feel free to add me, although I am mighty suspicious. Just tell me what you're all about.

update!

So Ive changed my schedule, just ever so slightly. Instead of taking the comm. class online Ill be taking a computer class mini mester. Next mini mester. I went online and looked through it and it looked kind of difficult for online stuff and I would have to buy a microphone and blah blah. SO I am now taking Computing in the Informaiton age section 98 or something. So heads up. Itll also give me time to get established in my other classes so Ill only have five for half the semester and then six the last half. I think thats an okay way of doing it.

Classes

So just a quick class update. I dropped the PE class and am now taking an english so yay! and here is the schedule thus far:

Mondays

work 11 - 1
Biological psych 1 - 1:50
Our Cultural Approach to Death 3 - 4:20
Shaping of Western Society 6:30 - 9:20

Tuesdays

work 10 - 1
Biology of Man 2 - 4:50

Wednesday

work 11 - 1
Biological psych 1 - 1:50
Our Cultural Approach to Death 3 - 4:20

Thursday

work 10 - 3 
Biology of Man 3 - 4:50

Friday

work 10 - 12
Biological Psych 1 - 1:50

Saturday

NOTHING!!!

Sunday 

work 12 - 4

And there you have it.  My last full semester in school.  Now you may look at that and say 'Olivia you are only taking three classes' and I would say "shut up".  I am taking two online classes this semester one because the class would be to mindnumbingly boring to take in person and the other is only offered online.  They are as follows:

Interpersonal Communications Online 
and
Short Stories Writing Intensive Online

I have never taken an online class so it should be interesting.  Im hoping to buy some of my book online because if I bought them from the book store they would be about 450 dollars YIKES! I do not want to pay that much.  I know the library has my communications book and since its an online class I wont need it anywhere else and I probably wont need to buy my biology and history books because we have those ones too, but I might want them for reference or something so Ill have to look into it at least.  I guess thats it for now.

Sufjan Stevens

Holland

All the time we spent in bed
Counting miles before we set
Fall in love and fall apart
Things will end before they start

Sleeping on Lake Michigan
Factories and marching bands
Lose our clothes in summer time
Lose ourselves to lose our minds
In the summer heat, I might

roar!

So I guess I will start rewriting what was lost yesturday but my hands are freezing so dont expect much.

I got my slides back and they look pretty good, so I wont have to reshoot or anything. I forgot to take a slide of one thing and that kinda upsets me, but its okay I have a slide from two years ago, it just has glare. With that done with all I have to do is wait to here back because I sent my transcripts around already. I dont know if they want me to do a portfolio review before I hear if Im accepted to the college in general, or after. I guess Ill call them tomorrow and find out, but hopefully my date will be before march 1st.

But with my slides done that means I can mail kuri the picture I drew for her and my other extra special presents! well not really but I can mail them. Im considering mailing brittany presents too, but shhh they cant know....

School starts up in a few weeks. I think its like a week and a half actually and in costomary fashion I will again post my schedule. And if people reading this are in one of my classes than they better not take it if they know whats good for them. Dont want to have an uncomfortable scene...Im seriously considering dropping my gym class and taking one in the summer because I really dont want to take two classes in the summer again. We all know how well that turn out...Im actually looking forward to this last semester because it'll be the last easy semester of my life. Im sure private or suny four year is a bajillion time harder than the metally handicapped school FLCC is. Seriously they take and cater to anyone. Im glad to go back too to see my friends at the library and around the school. I kinda kiss them on break. Im going to miss karen when I leave, but she knows the lady that runs the Nazareth library so I might be able to get a job there if I decide to go. It really is amazing how many library contacts I have, I could work in a library all my life really if I wanted. Sadly I do not, only a person who has worked in a library can truely know the peculiarities that it has and can know when to stay away. In this book by Wally Lamb called I Know This Much is True in the first couple pages a guy cuts his hand off in a library, and that is not to far off. Seriously.

Therapy today went well. I really have no complaints this time. I havnt been feeling to hot so I didnt really talk that much. But I think it was productive nonetheless. I feel a bunch better now though even though it's fucking freezing. So cold.

There is a black and white kitty that comes around the house that I want to adopt because it looks like it needs a home. I know bad idea...but still, everyone needs a home.

Im not sure what to do with myself now that my slides are done and my applications are sent. I spend a lot of time on the computer and some time watching shows or dvds and then other times I watch show on the computer. I dont really mind though because I dont want to go outside with the ugly snow and icy, although it does look beautiful. I hate it and wish it would melt again.  I got a new wrist brace a few days ago.  My arm felt like it was going to fall off, its better now.  Stupid carpel tunnel. I guess the other brace got lost in the move, this new one kinda sucks though.  You have to wrap this band around it and then stick it with velcro.  I have no idea why they designed it thise way, maybe just to punish cripples.

man all my characters just died on the sims 2.  One died of dirt, what the hell.  Who dies from dirty floors? I guess germs and shit, but he wasnt sick.  At least the cat was left and was worth over 150,000 dollars.  I added it to another house so that I could play another human, but I got all that money so yah. I think Im going to download some custom homes from the website so that I dont have to make my own.

mmm what else...I have no money, very poor.  mmm... Im in love...with sufjan stevens. Maybe Ill talk about feelings...yeah! no, maybe.  I dont know I feel okay. It really depends on the moment. The range of emotion is amazing. I mean humiliated, disappointed, disgusted, degected, enthusiastic, playful, entertained, annoyed. I go through it all daily.  I dont stew as much as I did and for the most part I feel a little better because I have some good friends and a lot of help.  And you know sometimes I feel so disappointed in them because we could have been okay friends. LIke what the fuck man.  But I guess no, it wasnt real.  Who knows what is with people like that. Anyway Im going to be a stronger person now.  Its still sad, Ill always find it sad no matter how long it'll be. I think Im feeling better though. Ive got life to look forward to, so much of it.

Sometimes I feel like I just want to get the fuck out of here though.  Like there is so much to see I dont know how people can stay in one place. The formative idea popped into my head while watching amilie.  You remember the knome who travels the world and takes pictures.  There is so much out there, I dont want to miss it.  I mean how do you know you are in the perfect place if you've never been anywhere?  How do you know this spot of land is what suits you? I dont think you can, and I dont know if I want to settle on something that I like, but hate at times too.  Canandaigua has lost some of its appeal with the memories that are now scattered about.  I dont think it sours the whole town, but I still dont exactly feel comfortable here anymore.  Like there is no calm anymore. 

I think thats enough writing for now and congradulations if you have even bothered to read this far, I dont know if even I would have.
Well I just wrote this big ol' entry and it was deleted and I dont feel like writing anymore. so I guess Ill do it tomorrow. stupid auto save! you saved nothing!
I realize my last post was on the wrong screen name by mistake, sorry. I still check that one periodically for the groups and stuff. I must not have signed out. I do that sometimes and then just walk away. Im sure its still on friends list so no biggie.

I guess this entry is short and sweet. Teen night went alright, it felt a lot like those dances we had in middle school with the games and shit. But I must say the one good things I have found was Dance Dance Revolution. It is so fun. I want it, I want one right now. I mean its exercise! I hate biking, running, and regular stuff, but this is dancing. Its amazing. Want to do it right now... so sweet.

hey the water that I am drinking right now was purified by reverse osmosis. That sounds neat. Osmosis in reverse.

how do I con my brother out of his play station...hes a wrestler now so he could demolish me...I could sneak it out...I have to save for it I guess...cost me some bucks...but its so fun! those kids could go fast too. I sucked, but I didnt really care after I got into it...so sweet.

I look like a crack whore right now. I spent to much time on the computer with my contacts in. When Im on the computer I blink less and it makes my eyes all red and icky. I went to the teen night looking like I was on drugs...

Im tired and my hands are cold again but at least Im getting to bed at a real hour! thank god!

Sharon Olds

I Go Back to May 1937


I see them standing at the formal gates of their 
     colleges,
I see my father strolling out
under the ochre sandstone arch, the
red tiles glinting like bent
plates of blood behind his head, I
see my mother with a few light books at her hip
standing at the pillar made of tiny bricks with the
wrought-iron gate still open behind her, its
sword-tips black in the May air,
they are about to graduate, they are about to 
     get married,
they are kids, they are dumb, all they know is 
     they are
innocent, they would never hurt anybody.
I want to go up to them and say Stop,
don't do it--she's the wrong woman,
he's the wrong man, you are going to do things
you cannot imagine you would ever do,
you are going to do bad things to children,
you are going to suffer in ways you never heard of,
you are going to want to die. I want to go
up to them there in the late May sunlight and 
     say it,
her hungry pretty blank face turning to me,
her pitiful beautiful untouched body,
his arrogant handsome blind face turning to me,
his pitiful beautiful untouched body,
but I don't do it. I want to live. I
take them up like the male and female
paper dolls and bang them together
at the hips like chips of flint as if to
strike sparks from them, I say
Do what you are going to do, and I will tell 
     about it.
So I got back to a normal sleep schedule and got completely depressed. I felt like I was a loser for doing the things I was doing at night, during the day. Like watching an entire season of house or lost and painting. I decided it would be better for me just to stick with the crazy one until school starts. I go to bed around 3pm and wake up around 11ish, Im okay with it for now.

We were suppose to take slides of art today but apparently walmart doesnt sell slide film anymore and Wink is closed on sundays. Hopefully wink will have some because if not we'll probably have to go into rochester to get it and waste gas and time. I finished two watercolor pencil things posted them on deviant. If I get to take my slides tomorrow I will be posting all my sculptures and stuff that I dont have with me here. So yay for that.

My dreams start to freak me out sometimes. I had this one a week or two ago where my family somehow got a baby, we found it or someone gave it to us but no one wanted it. We lived in this shitty one bedroom with trash all over, moldy matresses and stuff animals.  So they threw it in the trash and started to soffocate it inside the black folds of the plastic bag. I said I could take care of it and took it out of the trash. It was still alive when I took it out, I held it up by its fists and it dangled down from my hands swinging. I said 'shes a fighter' and started to swing more. I think the baby was suppose to be me. They say that everyone in your dreams are suppose to be you, but I dont know if thats true. Ive had a lot of dreams with the two headed monster. I scream and yell and strangle and cry but am ultimately pleasent. I say in them mean things 'you've ripped my life to pieces' and sometimes taunting things 'I am happier than you will ever know'. When I said you've ripped my life to pieces I actually tore my chest open, in the dream, so that what my chest became was big black gashes of nothingness. Some of them are disturbing and some enlightening, but I must say that on the whole sleep is no release. I think I've started to grind my teeth and I wake up crankier than I was. The only good dreams are when they start crying too.

It's strange the therapist says I shouldnt take about it to anyone but if I dont talk about it, it just festers and breeds. I mean not everything can be resolved in one hour sessions two weeks apart. So why not talk about it? My whole life has been filled with things I dont talk about and all I feel like Im left with is my complete inability to speak. Idle chitchat has lasted me many a friendship, but there are times when I long to speak of deeper things and yet my mind wont let me. I think them say them to myself, laugh with myself because sometimes they are snide and mean, or witty and funny, but I dont say them because I either am not with anyone that would understand what Im saying, or someone who would take it the wrong way. I mean being polite is great and all, but it gets so boring. I wish I had told people what I was really thinking, I think with my life so far that is my biggest regret. I dont think it's something I can stop easily though, I mean how can you reverse ever tendancy in your mind? But I suppose there is time.  

Shit I have to write my admissions essay today.  I dont know if they like you to be accepted before you do a portfolio review or you do it after.  All I know is that I have to mail my application soon. And call the college to see if I can get any waviers for the other places I am applying.  Im sure my advisor doesnt work during january but I can call the help office.  Do you double space an admissions essay? I've never written one.  Im glad my grades worked out this semester, means I could be eligable for more scholarships.  I wish it were like super high though like really high.  I know 3.8 is high, but 4.0 is higher.  I hope Im excepted before march 1st because if I do a portfolio review before then I may be eligable for merit based shit.  I guess I should start that.  It should be pretty simple because all it is is a 150 word essay about why you chose your major.  That cant be that hard and thankfully I know a few good editors. Sometimes I jump around why I type much like thinking.

mmm Im addicted to Sufjan Stevens.  So pretty.  

sleep

I slept 18 hours today....I still dont want to get up.

therapy

So therapy went alright I guess. Im left feeling drained, a little hollow though. It might be the sleep thing. I got to bed around 3 am and woke up around 8. So Im trying my hardest to get back to normal. Im making some tea with caffine in it right now to try and stay awake. I guess its better than what it has been. 

I donno its like therapy works and feels good in a vaccum, its hard to keep it going in the real world. Maybe Im just sleepy. It's good to talk though. I dont really remember any specific advice she gave me so maybe thats why it doesnt apply. I just wish I felt better.  Sometimes its hard to know what she wants though and Im not sure.  I dont know what she thinks about everything but I guess its not her place to judge.  I feel kind of crappy actually depressed.  

I couldnt find my watercolor pencils, last person who used them is, well not me, so am assuming they were taken.  I have my moms though so its okay for now.  Its not working out though I dont have a deep red and some of the other colors leave something to be desired.  The strawberries I got are dying and my limes look sad.  Im rewatching Lost but I dont have season two so Ill be only half refreshed for the new season.  I finished the first season of house two days ago and it was sweet.  It left me sad but wanting more.  I think Im just tired.  Which is stronger earl gray or english breakfast? Doesnt matter I guess.  

You know I feel angry all the time but I feel okay too.  I mean sometimes I throw things and I punch but I think I feel okay.  Maybe not, I dont know. 
okay so sleep schedule getting worse, not better. Went to bed around 2pm yesturday, noon today. I wake up around 7 or 8. I dont get tired at night at all. Im thinking of taking some sleeping pills around 10 because I have therapy tomorrow at 11 and I really dont want to be tired. She might think Im drunk or something. Thankfully jessica is coming over with some items that might help sleep. I also have beer, so with the two combine I might actually get to bed before dawn.

You know I realize most of the people I know around here are incredibly boring, including myself. I have lived a very boring life. I want to do amazingly fun and crazy things sometimes but I guess it is the town too. Nothing to do here at all. Definately understand the appeal of doing drugs in a town like this. Like now, if I wanted to do something fun what would it be...superwalmart, wegmans, dennys, movie, stare at lake, play with my cats....yeah those all sound riviting. No concerts around, no plays, no super fun coffee houses, no nothing. I guess I can live with it though, Im slightly boring myself. Probably more than slightly to a lot of people. I feel its a product of my enviornment, but maybe thats just displacing.

Im going to do some watercolor pencils today, probably of the strawberries I bought yesturday, or the limes. I bought a bunch of fruit and a bucket of flowers. Needed something organic.

My bank account is in grave shape. I have about 30 dollars to last me the rest of the month.....yeah....I could spend that in three minutes on food or supplies.

Not to mention college applications are....dun dun dun, 40 dollars each. I have a fee wavier to Nazareth but Im applying elsewhere too so, Im basically screwed. I mean I guess I could wait until I started work again to apply, but I dont think it wins you points to do it late, call me crazy.

I really shouldnt even be writing, I write too much in this thing. Writing long entires every day or twice a day seens excessive.

nada

cheating = abnormal.....so yeah....

And thank you for assuming that I wouldn't care, because you know I dont want to help people through pain for my life. 

portfolio

Well Im starting to get my portfolio ready for the upcoming college shit.  Im a little nervous about it actually because I cant really decide what to put in it or if things are good enough.  I want to make an impression you know, but I dont know if the pieces I have right now do that.  Im thinking about doing some new stuff because I feel Ive grown since my last slides were taken, but I dont know what.  Its all a little nerve wreaking.  

Ive got to get more life studies and I have to take some slides of my 3D work, because I dont really have any at the moment.  Ive got a few good pieces.  I dont know at least I have a free month.  It still sucks though.  Alright maybe Ill pick some slides from what I have and then decide what more I need from there.  

Okay so I have: 

black and white photo of a still life
black and white photo portrait
conte cranyon full body drawing 
mixed media still life
water color landscape (although Im conflicted at which one)
oil paint self portrait
and maybe an oil portrait of a friend

So thats seven so far.  I have several sculptures that I want to take slides of and see how they come out. But of the sculpture I'll definately put in:

banana peel 
apple core 

So that makes about nine.  When looking at this I realize I need something like a flower painting or drawing.  More things from nature definately.  Hmm I did a sculpture of the muscles in the human head.  I could put that in.  I also did a face sculpture.  I guess I'll take slides of them and see how it goes.  I'll probably use at least one of them, so that makes ten.  I need about five more.  I've got a variety there but I dont know how much of a variety I really need.  I dont know how my digital work is, or if they want to see some of the magazine layouts I did.  Who knows.

I just added most of my art to my deviant accont, so go look there.

It's going to be a busy month.

yay! I only got one B, I thought I was going to get two. I got an A- in racial and ethnic minorites....Probably cause of the last paper I guess, or because he knew I freakin deserved it the stupid bastard. Well at least I wont have to take a class with him again, ever. So woot!

On another note I've been going to bed later and later, and waking up later and later.  And by late I mean Ill go to bed around 6 and wake up around 3 or 4... I actually dont like this because theres nothing to do at night and I get rather bored.  Ill just have to wake up really early one day to get everything back in order, or stay awake so I dont go to bed until 10 or 9....blah.

feel

I dont feel very well....brainwise.

Jenny Owen Youngs

Fuck, Was I

love grows in me like a tumor,
parasite bent on devouring its host
i'm developing my sense of humor
till i can laugh at my heart between your teeth
till i can laugh at my face beneath your feet

skillet on the stove,
it's such a temptation
maybe i'll be the lucky one
that doesn't get burnt
what the fuck was i thinking

love plows through me like a dozer
i've got more give than a bale of hay
& there's always a big mess left over
with the "what did you do?" and the "what did you do?"
"what did you do?" and the "what did you do?"

skillet on the stove,
it's such a temptation
maybe i'll be the special one
that doesn't get burnt
what the fuck was i thinking
what the fuck was i thinking
what the fuck was i thinking
what the fuck was i thinking

love tears me up like a demon
opens the wounds then fills them with lead
& i'm having some trouble just breathing
if we weren't such good friends, i think that i'd hate you
if we weren't such good friends, i'd wish you were dead

skillet on the stove,
it's such a temptation
maybe i'll be the lucky one
that doesn't get burnt
what the fuck was i thinking
what the fuck was i thinking
what the fuck was i thinking

love is so embarrassing
i'm this awkward & uncomfortable thing
i'm running out of places to hide
what the fuck was i thinking?
(you know that i've got what you want)
what the fuck was i thinking?
(you know that i've got what you want)
what the fuck was i thinking?
(you know that i've got what you want)
what the fuck was i thinking?
(you know that i've got what you want)

Sick

So my sick is worse today, throat scratchy nose sniffly eyes disgusting looking and very cranky. But on the good side of things we've been playing with the digital camera. Im not quite sure about the whole uploading thing yet, I I might hold off until tuesday when the new computer comes to show the world some nice pictures.  Well I just tried...doesnt exactly love me at the moment, whatever.  Ill have to learn these things. 

Other than that...I guess we are keeping the laptop and getting a desktop as well which should be nifty.  I decided on a bottle of wine for my grandpa and some stuff from the spice shop for my mom and dad.  That should complete my christmas shopping.  Of course I wont be able to buy the wine myself, but Ill have some help.  

Going to do laundry tomorrow, very much needed.  Im still debating whether or not Ill be well enough to have the hoards of people over.  I want to you know, but I dont want *sneeze* to infect others.  This isnt a nice bug.  I think I might be getting a little better though, hopefully.  

I think Ill be able to upload some of the pictures to my deviantart acount. Yay! it worked.  

Okay so kuri I uploaded the beginning of my christmas present for you on there.  I decided to do two different drawings, one of which I havnt started yet.  But Ive got a pretty good start on the first.  Im a little slowed down by the sick right now, but Ive got lots of time on my hands now, so never fear.  My account name is tobiasmeateater.  I seem to have latched on to that name for everything now. 

OOo I just uploaded a picture of phillip! ahhh! this is so sweet!

woot! well that makes me happy.  I dont have my eyes in at the moment, so excuse any errors.  Ive decided that leslie is the most unbelievably passive agressive person I've ever met.  I mean god shes got to learn a healthier way of releasing her anger.  Dear god.  I mean torturing a person for 6 months because they made their own choice and sucking my boyfriends dick because I didnt talk to her for 7 months because she carelessly did not consider my feelings (I know I should have known then). But at least I got over it an apoligized, she didnt, she decided to be a whore insead.  Much better.I mean for a person who thinks she doesnt have issues she sure doesnt act like it.  I think I express my feelings in a much less distructive way, which is comforting to think about.  I mean at least I dont have such a childish point of view on everything.  Very comforting.  The girl has known me since ninth grade and she says "well I didnt think you would get upset, I wouldnt if the situation was reversed."   Talk about a total lake of seeing the world through other peoples eyes.  And this girls wanted to be a psychologist.  I personally cant see her doing anything, never could.  And believe me she wont be working in any library in this town, Ill make sure to that.  Thank god they love me there. Thats total bullshit.  I think I have gotten past some of my blind hatred and moved on to logical hatred, which Im not quite sure is preferable census still out.  Still very pissed off, as one may assume.  At least Im surviving. Im sure Ill have more to say as time goes on.  

Blah Im actually feeling a little dizzy right now, I think its probably just the sick.  Doesnt feel to nice though.  ahhh! I think I should go lay down.

mmm

So, here I am again...writing. I write a lot it seems, not what Im suppose to be writing (ten page paper on the american indian) but writing in this journal about stupid nothings of my everyday life. I hear its suppose to be theraputic though so I give it a go. And I guess it is because you can say whatever the hell you are thinking and do what you want.

So on that note I think I got a thread stuck under my contact today. Dear god does that hurt, makes me want to take my eyeball out. But when it happens I think rationally and open my eye and move the contact around with my finger and then put some eye drops in. I know this is all interesting information isnt it. But I think its still in there but hididng waiting to reak havoc on my unsuspecting eye! It can do that. I am so amazed at how good my eye sight is though, its like amazing you have no idea. I went from like 20/300 with glasses to like 20/30 with contacts. I mean I dont know how I lived before, I put my glasses on now and am like ahhh blind! So I guess thats a good thing in life. I hated the RGP so these babies are sweet, with the soft outer skirt and hard center. But anyway...

So for christmas we are getting a digital camera, which I have mention, but we're also getting a new computer (not sure if I mention). At the moment I also have a nice pile of presents under the tree. Albe the tree about a foot tall, its still a pretty nice pile. So I think christmas is going to be pretty nice.  I went shopping yesturday, but its really hard to buy for people.  I got my mom a nice watch and my dad a sweater I gave my little brother 60 bucks like a month ago so all I have left is my grandma and grandpa...and maybe my two other siblings, but who knows about them. 

My cousin dustin is coming up from Texas on thursday...or is it wednesday...whatever.  But it'll be a little strange I think because he just found out like two years ago that we are related to him.  His parents never bothered to mention that his step mom wasnt really his mom and that my moms sister is really his mother.  So I dont know who he thought we all were for like 14 years of his life but at least he knows now.  He might go to school up here too, which would be good for him because he would be the first in his family to go to college.  He was a little jerk the last time he came, so I hope that the new 17 year old Dustin is more...pallatable.

wow I just say a picture of laura bush, she looks psycho, really.

I've started getting into this new website called go fug yourself. Its actually really funny. Mostly kinda girly making fun of celebrities and their clothes. But very funny. 

I feel okay today...I might skip racial and ethnic minorities to go shopping...but I probably wont.  I dont know what we are doing in that class though, we dont have a test and our final paper is due thursday...so who knows. But feeling okay is good and I guess I can go shopping tomorrow.  Going to go on main street to some crazy jewlery stores to try and find something for grandma and maybe the salvation army for myself.  I resist the urge to call it the salvo...I am not that person...oh but just...salvo!

nothin to do

Well I feel as though I should be doing something, but Im not quite sure what. I don't really want to do anything but I think I'm going a little stir crazy. Sitting and doing nothing for too long can make you go a little crazy.

We ordered the camera we want for christmas. I think is should get here by friday, which will be nice. Gonna take some sweet pictures of my babies. So cute. I havent had a camera in a while and I think I miss it.

I feel okay today, not to bad, I mean I cant complain. So I guess thats good... I think. I should be reading that book for my racial class...blah.. I guess I'll start that after this. I just feel a little burnt so I dont really want to do shit.

mmmm other than that, still angry have question on my mind, not seething though like I was so yay for step in a direction. Which direction is still to be named. Doing some minimal cleaning today also, but heart is not really in it. Heart not really in anything at the moment.
Still a little homicidal, so stay out of my way! (that made me giggle)  I want to do something enjoyable, but I dont really have anything left.  blah.

randomness

So I guess you might call today a depressed day or a down say. Although it is freakin pretty out, but I've spent most of my time indoors sleeping, working, or at school. I just feel icky and stupid and like I have a lot of work to do. Today is my last day of first aid, which is nice because there is still another week left of school. I have to revise my racial paper, do a theater assignment, read the chapter for cultural anthropology, maybe read that book for racial class for extra credit and then write a paper on it, and thats about it. So, I guess...not too much.. blah. Feel icky. Got a book of poetry out of the library so yay! I shall post one now:

Somewhere a Seed
by michael fried

Somewhere a see falls to the ground
That will become a tree
That will some day be felled
From which thin shafts will be extracted
To be made into arrows
To be fitted with warheads
One of which, some day when you least expect it,
While a winter sun is shining
On a river of ice
And you feel farthest from self-pity,
Will pierce your shit-filled heart.

Dec. 13th, 2006

To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
To the last syllable of recorded time,
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.

Dec. 12th, 2006

I get so mad sometimes. It creeps up on me and then when its there I feel like god damn it ahh. In the book it said that perhaps you should give yourself an alloted time to worry or to hate or the be mad. And I am trying that but it doesnt seem to work because once its there its a hard thing to shake. Especially the images. God damn disgusting. And then when I start to think about that I start thinking about the whole thing just repeating why why why and blah blah blah. Its really excrusiating, really. I mean my body gets so tired its awful. Whenever I start thinking about it though I feel like breaking glass, or punching someone. I also feel like carrying a bat around with me, maybe a miniture one, you know just in case. I think that might get me into more trouble than nessecary ooo but how Id love too. Im a violent person really I want to hit and punch and smash....but lets not make this a letter to hand to the police. Ill just say the visions are nice.

Therapist says I need to learn the difference between caring and responsibility. I am not responsible for anyones actions but my own and shouldnt feel that way. I may care what people do, but I cannot control it. She also said I need to let my anger out in a more constructive way and to talk more freely about my emotions. Which we all know I have trouble with...other than anger. Blah here I go getting angry again but I have to get back to work soon so I wont have the opportunity to think about it. Thank god.
My mom came to see me today at work, it was actually very nice. We went out to lunch because karen said it was okay and talked a lot. She actually seemed okay with everything. I gave her a gift certificate for her birthday and everything was okay. My cousin dustin is coming down for christmas and might stay with us for a few days, which will be a little strange but good. I think he might come up to go to college but we're not sure. I feel okay today which is good because its a therapy day and I dont want to be totally crazy when I go. So I guess thats it for now.
so I felt that I was getting obessive and needed a better place to vent that was a little more secluded. That in mind you might not want to go telling everyone about the page, some people I am thinking of imparticular. But it doesnt really matter if someone wants to find me they will.

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